


loving as if your lungs could not suffocate

by harrylyman



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Changing POV's, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feel-good, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Safe For Work, Self-Discovery, can probably be read as platonic/low-key crushing, doesn't use ryder's name but some small references to his appearance, jaal is the poster child of self-acceptance, jaal's room, low-key shippy, lower case because im a mess, not ryder-family-critical just interpretive/observant, open discussion about the concept of love, ryder is an uncomfortable anxious guy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 04:16:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11267745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrylyman/pseuds/harrylyman
Summary: after meeting jaal's vast family and being faced with the openness and affection he found there, ryder feels self-conscious about the lacking warmth in his own sparse unit and even doubts his capability to love as a result. jaal proves yet again to be an enlightening experience to the emotionally stunted human he's grown so fond of.and perhaps they both discover something new along the way.





	loving as if your lungs could not suffocate

**Author's Note:**

> i'm nearly done with the game, but as i'm not yet completely finished i kept the timing and circumstances of this general. feel free to place it wherever suits you.  
> also, in celebration of the new patch? heck yeah my dudes.  
> this is my first work on ao3 so any comments/feedback would be massively appreciated!

“i don’t know how you do it.”  


     the confession was strangled, as if it took a tremendous effort simply to get the sound past his lips. ryder felt every millisecond the words hung in the air, solid enough to be near tangible and still suffocating him, somehow. like a biotic’s warp, threatening to pull him in and tear him apart. 

     then the deep tremor of the angaran’s voice floated forth, heavy and light at the same time; just enough effort to push that lingering admittance off shore. “do what?”

     the young human’s foot tapped restlessly on the floor of the bulkhead, and his eyes remained trained on the wiring just beyond it. hunched over, tanned forearms resting on his knees, he was sure he looked more like an insolent kid than humanity’s hope. that wasn’t what gnawed at him, though. at least not now. he’d been in this game long enough that the picture of his father only fitting into his own frame if you curled the edges and smudged the image no longer bothered him. he gets the job done, in the end, and people were starting to realise as much.

       what tore at him wasn’t how to stop an entire intergalactic empire of slavers, but the memory of nearly twenty angara clasping his shoulder or forearm as they passed by with as much comfort as if they were -- well, _family_. his heart sank at the term, and those tortured golden eyes only managed to seek out the startingly great blue of his companion for a moment before turning away in shame.   


“how do you love so many,” ryder began, ignoring how it only came as a whisper, “how can you love your whole family, and still have room for more? how do you...” glancing up at the bulkhead above the door as if to find clarification there, he drew a shaking breath. “i don’t get it. how can you have love for everyone?” 

_how can you have love for_ anyone _?_  


      jaal, who had sat still and serene while the man trembled anxiously beside him, jumped slightly as if struck by an unexpected blow. “are you asking... how i love?” he questioned, as if it were  _‘how i breathe?_ ’ _'_. by the way his leader seemed to sink in on himself, jaal suspected he had been right... though it did not help him understand. “this must be a human thing,” he suggested, prompting a short, mirthless laugh from ryder. _the image of insecurity_ , the angaran reflected, and realised this was not about himself at all. wishing to welcome ryder in but not scare him off, jaal shifted closer by a miniscule, facing him at an angle. “perhaps the better question is -- how do _you_ not love?”

      that startled the brunette, wide eyes springing up to meet their calm counterpart. where his heart had previously felt weighed down, it now felt pierced to the wall of his shoulder blade. his mouth fell open, lacking the words. these were the words he never hoped to voice -- because he didn’t know them, and had never dared to find them. “i...” a stinging hotness rushed to his face, and once again he tore his gaze away, this time finding the foot of a table. his throat closed up uncomfortably, and he forced himself to breathe. jaal did not shift. he only waited.  


      “i... i do. i mean, i love my sister.” he confessed, though even that, jaal noted, seemed to him almost as difficult to admit as if she were an enemy. _humans are curious... and harmful. even, and perhaps especially, to themselves_. yet that struggle enlightened the conversation so far. “you love your sibling,” jaal affirmed, then pressed on, “but whereas you have the one, i have several. you are not used to, hm... letting more in?” there was a pause, then ryder dipped his head curtly. a gesture he had quickly learnt meant agreement. “did you not also love your father and mother?” while ryder had almost seemed to warm up to the topic only a moment before, his posture now petrified. his hands had shifted to clutch the edge of the bench, and jaal could see the strain of his fingers against the metal. _so the beast of anxiety rears its head again_. “so that is where your doubt lies,” he muttered carefully.  


      the silence after stretched on, though ryder no longer seemed tense. instead he seemed... defeated. jaal did not know which he prefered. he only knew he wished he could relieve either.  


      ryder saw the angaran’s features dip out of the corner of his eye, with a weight he was sure could have created an avalanche in some poem or other. drawing a deep breath to steel himself, he tried to ignore the hitch midway through his chest as the air escaped back out. at this point, speaking might help jaal more than himself. “my dad always felt... very far away. and not because he was always out on missions, or working or -- well, maybe because of that. a bit. i think it was just how he was. my mom, you know, she tried, but it was sort of the same. and then when we grew up, we were all at different places in the galaxy. i don’t know, i mean -- they weren’t mean but they weren’t... _close_.” he finished, waving a hand lamely as if trying to grasp a better explanation out of thin air. “not like vetra and sid, or drack and kesh, or... or anything.” the last part was a nearly indiscernible whisper, “not like _you_.”  


         there was a pause as jaal deciphered the words, while ryder tried to avoid doing the same. “you say you do not feel close, and therefore you do not love them? what... what does that feel like, then?” the patient rumble of his voice reverberated in ryder, who closed his eyes, and quietly inhaled. distantly he felt SAM pushing against his conscious with an input of his own, but he brushed him aside. he didn’t need logical explanations or practical insights right now. he didn’t need his dad’s attempt at recreating empathy. he needed someone who understood that virtue as if it were a second skin, which, in his opinion, was jaal’s greatest strength. where the words seemed to have dodged him all his life, they now floated to the surface without a thought. “it feels like a vacuum -- like something’s missing, and it hurts.”

           to his shock, jaal laughed, and heartily at that. as he turned a bewildered look to the angaran, jaal laid a strong hand on his shoulder. “oh, my dear friend,” he chuckled, some strange, great relief evident in every atom of him, “you think because it hurts, you do not love them? you humans -- you deny so much, you become blind.” ryder felt a spark of anger, before quickly realising that was probably exactly what the angaran meant, and quenched it. jaal seemed to have caught on, though, because the warm laughter simmered down until it was only a smile on his lips. ryder forced his gaze not to linger there.  


          “dear one, i love my family, yes, but i do not have as strong of a bond with all of them as i wish. they are a ‘small army’, as you say -- how could i?” his voice had lowered now, becoming patient once again. his smile reached his eyes. “but i know that my love lies just there -- in that i wish i was closer with them. it is as if you have... an _ember_... of affection, and you knew it could become stronger, but you do not know how to kindle it. you know it is possible, but not how to continue.” jaal’s hand had fallen from ryder’s shoulder to the space between them, beside ryder’s own. “that does not mean there is no way forward. you only have to find it.”

             as ryder looked up into jaal’s bright blue eyes, his parents were whisked from his mind, as if someone had put ice to a bruise. a smile curled his own lips, and though he felt his eyes water there was still some mischief to his features. “if you’re going to hit me with a _pathfinder_ joke...” he threatened, and jaal’s encompassing laughter rewarded him.  


            “no, no. no such thing,” the angaran granted, practically radiating warmth. “i only mean that as you have helped me find myself on our journey, you must allow yourself the same courtesy. burdened by these doubts and misgivings, we can only go so far. without them -- there are no limits to what we can discover.”  


               feeling for once all pretenses evaporate and tensions melt from him -- if only for a moment -- ryder was left only with an unabashed smile and hope in his eyes as he stared at the angaran beside him. “you know, i think i’m beginning to.”  


                 despite their lacking similarities, when ryder’s fingers closed around jaal’s, he could’ve sworn he saw his own expression mirrored back.


End file.
